Wierdest feelings

Everytime i look myself in the mirror i see a reflection of three people...

The one i wan't to be, the child within myself craving for the attention i did not recive.. And i see the one that a few times each day tells me "Yer a disgrace, yer a pathetic wanna-be macho man that has nothing to come with.. No wonder people don't wanna be with you.. They never wanted to and will never will.. Yer a white-trash! No wonder you can't do what you allways wanted to do.. You are ugly and disgusting and should be burried..."


This dark voice has snared my mind for many years and i am constantly fighting it, i don't want to let it win and take over my mind.. But who would i preffer, who would my surounding preffer..

For a long time i have been building up walls, a sort of barricade around the true me.. Trying to protect myself from other people and their laughings.. I know they talk about me behind my back, they have allways done that but what can i do to change that really?

Nothing i tell ye.. Not a bloody, darn, thing at all..


Well now am in the living room, wathing some crappy porn-flick on TV and writing this.. Not much else to do really.. Its not that i enjoy it, its more like.. Well i don't know...

HOWEVER !

We went to a place called Aquaria today with my fiancé, two kids and my parents.. (Yes they finaly moved their ancient lazy asses out from their region)

My/Our daughter enjoyed it very much.. We went to see the sharks.. As allways in there everyone is stunned.. One of fear and one for excitement and thrill..

My/Our daughter was very impressed.......... By the fan they had on the roof !! =)


After that my parrents bought us some coffé and a cookie (Well i lied it was soda not coffe) It was hot as it was so more heat would not be prefferd..

So over all it was a plesant day, no rush, no pondering about my personal problems.. An escape from myself sort of.. Or how am gonna put it.. :)

They even had a fake rainforrest with thunder and flashes and rain... It was cool...

Every night i ponders and thinks over myself.. What i wanna do, what i wanna change and what am satisfied with.. Well i know one thing, i have the two perfect kids in the world.. Thats for SURE...


Well am sorry for being a negative bastard but this is the only place where i can speak my mind cause the only one that REALLY knows me is my fiancé... Hell my parrents know about 10-15% about me..

Who knows, if i trust YOU enough one day i might even share my life story with you... If you are even interested and willing to listen to endless and endless of babling.. Took a few bottles of wine before i cleard things up for my fiancé but i KNOW that she is the one i wanna live the rest of my life with so she desserves the truth and nothing but the truth..


I guess thats all for now...


/K